Will I Ever Find Love? A Simple Guide to Finding Love

  • Post last modified:May 21, 2020
  • Post category:Relationships / Love

will I ever find love

Will I ever find love? I keep asking myself as I sit behind my computer.

You may be wondering the same thing too.

In a quest to find the answer to this question, I’ve read several books on love, asked several people (my friends, family, strangers) questions on love and their experience with it.  

From all my research on love, I know this much: Love is an inevitable part of life; as long as you have a beating heart and as long as there is blood coursing through your veins, you will experience this thing called love. 

Love will come your way when you least expect it (that is why love is described as mysterious), and it will sweep you off your feet.

And if you’re wondering why love hasn’t found you yet, do not despair; love happens at different times for different people.

[Read Top 3 Books On Love Everyone Must Read

 

What are your chances of finding love?

If you’ve been single for a long time, you’re probably worried about your chances of finding love. Maybe, you’ve even given up on it. 

I get it. 

Sometimes it’s hard to imagine finding the perfect partner when the potential love partners you meet daily just don’t meet your criteria.

In 2010, Peter Backus, a mathematician and researcher in the U.K, wrote a paper stating that he had only a 1 in 285,000 chance of finding love. 

In his paper Why I don’t have a girlfriend, Peter uses Drake’s equation (an equation used to estimate the number of highly evolved civilizations that might exist in our galaxy) to calculate how many women would meet his criteria for a girlfriend. 

In the end, he estimated that there were only 26 women in the UK that would meet his criteria ( a depressingly low number). 

Discussing Peter’s paper in her book The Mathematics of Love, Dr. Hannah Fry argues that Peter is being a little picky in choosing his criteria for a girlfriend (you can’t be too picky when it comes to love, you know). 

She discusses the criteria and maths behind Peter’s paper and suggests a better way Peter could have gone about it. 

Indulge me as I show you a little bit of the maths, won’t you? (and hey, who thought we could apply maths in something as abstract as love?)

Peter’s criteria:

1. How many women are there who live near me? (In London -> 4 million women)

2. How many are likely to be of the right age range? (20% -> 800,000 women)

3. How many are likely to be single? (50% -> 400,000 women)

4. How many are likely to have a university degree? (26% -> 104,000 women)

5. How many are likely to be attractive? (5% -> 5,200 women)

6. How many are likely to find me attractive? (5% -> 260 women)

7. How many am I likely to get along well with? (10% -> 26 women)

 

The criteria suggested by Dr. Fry:

1. How many people of the right gender are there who live near me? (In London -> 4 million)

2. How many are likely to be of the right age range? (20% -> 800,000 women)

3. How many are likely to be single? (50% -> 400,000 women)

4. How many are likely to have a university degree? (26% -> 104,000 women)

5. How many are likely to be attractive? (20% -> 20,800 women)

6. How many are likely to find me attractive? (20% -> 4,160 women)

7. How many am I likely to get along well with? (20% -> 832 women)

[Read 13 Signs You Are In Love – Scientifically Proven]

 

So as you can see, Dr. Fry is way more relaxed with her criteria than Peter is; her criteria leave Peter with a generous 832 potential love partners across a city rather than a paltry 26 according to Peter’s original criteria. 

So what is the maths telling us? The less stringent your criteria, the larger the pool of potential love partners you can have. 

It’s really not that hard when you think about it: The longer your checklist, the smaller the potential number of people who fit into it. The maths says so. 

We all know people who have a clear picture of what they are looking for in a perfect partner, sometimes it’s a long list of exactly what they want from their perfect partner. Taken to the extreme, people obsess about what they want in a partner; and this hurts their chances of finding love – according to the maths, at least.

There’s an article on BuzzFeed about a man on the dating site, OkCupid, who wrote a ridiculously extensive list of dating deal-breakers; his list is ludicrous (and hilarious, I should add). Below are a few nuggets from his list.

Do not message me if:

* you have tattoos you can’t see without a mirror

* you consider yourself a happy person

* you shoplift

* you spend more than you make

* you read cosmopolitan

* you’re a bad tipper

Put this man’s criteria into Drake’s equation and you’ll end up with number closer to or less than zero (sorry, but there are no humans on earth that fit your criteria, sir, you may have to start looking elsewhere; like, aliens from other planets, maybe).

And as Dr. Fry put it, “the more deal-breakers you have the less likely you are to find love.”

So if you’d like to drastically increase your chances of finding love, you may have to relax your criteria a bit and give people a chance. (I”m not asking to lower your standards, no, not at all. But I’m asking you to be open-minded and give people a chance).

Sure, you must have your core criteria for a partner (it’s necessary to at least have a fair idea of what you are looking for) but make sure it’s not a long list that may end up lowering your chances at love.

Put beautifully:

“There’s no point in restricting your search to people who match everything on your checklist, because you’re just setting yourself an impossible challenge. Instead, pick a couple of things that are really important and then give people a chance. You might just be pleasantly surprised.”

And as for Peter Backus? He beat his own odds. He got married in 2013. 

There’s hope for us all.

[Read How Love Happens?]

 

How to Maximize Your Chances of Finding Love

You’re on a night out with friends; you guys are at a party and everyone is having fun. You look around and see some very attractive people; you’ve got your eyes on one particularly attractive person you’d love to make a move on, but you don’t (maybe you’re shy, maybe you want them to approach you first, maybe you’re scared of getting rejected – but for whatever reason, you don’t approach anyone the entire night and end up leaving another party without meeting someone). 

On some nights, you get some persons approaching you – but they are few and far in between, and you’re not attracted to most of them. 

For the average single person, that’s how they approach finding love (passively, and waiting for the other person to make a move); it’s truer for ladies than guys, though (mostly, guys are the ones who do the approaching). 

If you’re not new to this game of love, then you know that playing passively in the search of love just doesn’t work; love (for the most part) will not magically come knocking on your door if you don’t make an effort. 

And if you truly want to maximize your chances of finding love, then you’ve got to put in an effort. You’ve got to put yourself out there, and that means building up the courage to approach someone – who you find attractive – at a party or a bar or wherever else you go to meet single people like yourself. 

It’s been mathematically proven that the group who do the approaching (not the group who just remain passive and wait for love to come knocking at their door) are the ones who usually end up with their most preferred love partner.

“In short,” Dr. Fry writes, “the group who do the asking and risk continual rejection actually end up far better off than the group who sit back and accept a suitor’s advances.”

So if you’re lady, you needn’t just sit back and wait for the right guy to come around, you can also take action and make that first move. (And there are subtler ways for a woman to make the first move without a guy even noticing).

And if you’re a guy, then you already know what you have to do.

Another tip: frequent the places that you think your potential love partner might also frequent; for example, if you love reading and collecting books, then join a book club (your perfect partner may be sitting right next to you at one of the club meetings); if you’re into charity and giving back to the society, then join a charity organization or volunteer in your neighborhood.

I hope you’re getting the point I’m trying to make; if you’re looking for love, don’t just sit at home every day and hope and wish and pray. Go out there and meet people.

And put it in mind that “if you can handle the occasional cringe-inducing rejection, ultimately, taking the initiative will see you rewarded. It is always better to do the approaching than to sit back and wait for people to come to you. So aim high, and aim frequently: the maths says so.”

[Read How Love Happens in the Brain! Everything You Should Know.]

[Read Also 13 Signs You Are In Love – Scientifically Proven.]

 

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